"Lawrence of Arabia" . . . Anthony Nutting

“There was craving to be liked—so strong and nervous that never could I open myself to another. The terror of failure in an effort so important made me shrink from trying. There was a craving to be famous; and a horror of being known to like being known. Contempt for my passion for distinction made me refuse every offered honor. I like the things underneath me and took my adventures and my pleasures downward. There seemed a certainty in degradation, a final safety . . . true, there lurked always that Will uneasily waiting to burst out . . . self-seeking ambitions visited me, but not to stay, since my critical self would make me fastidiously reject their fruits . . . When a thing lay within my reach, I no longer wanted it; my delight lay in the desire. When a desire gained head, I used to strive until I had just to open my hand and take it. Then, I would turn away, content that it had been within my strength. Indeed, the truth was, I did not like the ‘myself’ I could see and hear.”

This story of the conception and birth of the “Seven Pillars of Wisdom” is a characteristic of Lawrence as any other single episode of his life. It symbolizes all the contradictions of his personality and all the hopes and fears, the determination of the will and neurosis of the mind that went to make up his extraordinary character. First, there was the absolute resolve to write the book at no matter what cost in mental and physical strain. Accompanying this was the showman’s desire to achieve a first-class production in terms of writing and illustration. Then, once the task was accomplished, came the desperate fear to submit his product to public scrutiny. Finally, when the success had been achieved, there came the refusal to profit by it.